My anxiety

Jenni:
I've always been an anxious person. I hate large gatherings. I'll do just about anything to avoid them, especially when I don't know a ton of people there. I've never been a house party person. In college I never went to bars or out at all, really. Gotta love some social anxiety.

Oddly enough though, I'm a super bubbly person. I'm often mistaken as a huge b**** in later gatherings mostly because I have a mad case of RBF (Morgan actually asked me what was wrong yesterday and I had to explain it was just my face...lol) and I just often would rather keep to myself and wait for someone to approach me instead of doing the approaching.

Sarah always says she'd love to see me at school because I seem to be a very different person there than I am at home.

Anyways, this transition has put my anxiety into overdrive. It's hard not letting it rub off on her. When Sarah first started going out as "Sarah", about six months ago, or really, just confusingly androgenous, I felt like my senses were on overdrive. I was constantly in this state of protection mode. Constantly terrified that someone would say something to her or my family. Constantly thinking about what I'd say or do if they did.

As much as I teach my boys about "you be you" and "who cares what other people think", I do. I'll admit it. I DO care what people think but I'm not proud of that.

Everytime she goes out in something new and we "survive", it just gets easier the next time. The first time she went out with her nails painted, I was a mess. Now, it's nothing. She went to Comicon in a skirt for the first time. It was Comicon. At any given time there was a Wookiee standing next to us or Sailor Moon. No one looked twice. We survived. She wore Jesus sandals to breakfast on Mother's Day. Not only did we survive, but she got recognized as a mom needs(another post). On this Hawaii trip, she's wearing a tankini top. A few stares, but the world hasn't ended.

At some point, someone WILL say something. It's just going to have to be handled eloquently, especially if the kids are along. I guess we take care of that when it happens. My anxiety lessens a little bit each time we survive the next new thing.

Jenni's Story... Part One.

Jenni:

Wow, so... there's a lot here that I've never said to many people, but I've always been one to find writing cathartic and I've always been able to be more open on paper. Here we go... I'm going to "say" some things I haven't said to many people, but it will help understand who I am and where I'm coming from. This will probably be a surprise to many, but maybe not, now that I've got myself a wife :)

So... I've always dated guys. Always. But, for some reason, the thought of doing anything "intimate" with one, always freaked me out. Always. I didn't want to see body parts, I didn't want to touch body parts- I didn't want to be in a position where anything was "expected" of me. Ever. Nothing put me more into panic mode than a guy I was dating trying to be "nice" and get us a hotel room/night away. This has always been the case. Even with Sarah when we first got together. I've never had a libido. Ever. When the TV show, Friends, made having a "List" popular, you know... the list of celebrities that would be safe to cheat with, I always had my "list" in my head but honestly, all I ever wanted to do was hang out and have coffee. My lack of interest in anything sexual started to affect our marriage. I hit some really depressed points- I remember having weekends where I would just sob on the floor of our closet, thinking something was wrong with me. I got to the point of trying to pinpoint if I had ever been molested or sexually assaulted and just didn't remember and I couldn't come up with anything. It was only last year when I was trolling one of the LGBT Facebook groups and found a quiz post titled, "Are You Asexual". I looked the word up, as I'd never heard it before. Holy crap. That was me. I took the quiz. BINGO. The heavens opened and angels sang. I had an "answer"! 

From then, I researched the hell out of it. I think I clicked "yes" for every single question it asked me. For those of you who don't know what it means to be asexual, it's a little confusing, but the gist of it is that I don't find anyone sexually attractive. Sex/typical intimacy isn't something I want to do. It made sense. It's why my "list" never involved "doing it". It's why I was always so terrified of being alone with someone who may "expect" something... things I should "want" to do with someone I cared about. Some aces are completely repulsed by sex and the like... I'm not. I "enjoy" it and can be ok with it as long as it's with someone I care about... (OK, this is weird to tell you all) however I've NEVER initiated it. I just don't "need" it. Basically, when given the choice of pizza or "that", I choose pizza. Every time. No questions asked, and with extra cheese please!

So, now I had an answer. Just because I knew now, it didn't make it any easier when it came time to tell Sarah. It took me MONTHS. In fact, I learned it about myself in February of 2016, and it took me until June 16th of that year to finally say the words out loud, to her, and even then, it was in the dark, right before bed, with my head under my pillow. I was terrified she'd leave me. TERRIFIED. In retrospect, that's ridiculous. She was so relieved. She thought it was her, she thought I had some totally crazy past experience that "damaged me". I'm asexual. Wow. It was a relief, and ever since then, we've been great. She's done her own research and realized that it's just who I am, and that it has nothing to do with her.

So, that leads me to more... Once we started discussing Sarah's "things", the word "transgender" only got actually used in the last year or so, I realized something else... holy crap. I like girls. My crushes on various female actors and singers, all of that... it all made sense! It was ok! Then... guess what... as time as gone on, maybe I'm not as "asexual" as I thought... maybe I'm straight up GAY. I realized I can TOTALLY think about girls "like that". Hmm.... interesting. That part is even newer to me and I'm working on sorting it all out. Maybe that's why Sarah and I clicked from the get-go? Maybe I just "knew"? I don't know. That's for another post. Both concepts- my additional discovery and more on Sarah. 

So that's a little bit about me. Wow- I said some words here that I've never said to about 95% of you that will read this. Eeeek. So there it is. 

Intro to the family

Hi, everyone! It's Jenni here!

I've quickly learned that we are a very special family. Here's why:

Sean and I met in 2004 when I was a junior and he was a senior at ASU. He patiently waited for me to end a long term romance with my high school sweetheart, quietly, we'll call it "stalking" me through a friend. Ha. Finally, when given the "go ahead" from a mutual friend, once I was officially "broken up", Sean swooped in, and well, two months later we were engaged. When you know, you know. We were instantly best friends and spent every waking moment together from the start.

We graduated together in 2005, and started our teaching careers- he as a high school math teacher and me as a special education teacher. Fast forward to December of 2005, and we got married. In 2007, we had a little boy, Morgan. In 2009, our next son, Toby came along. We went on living our lives as a happy hetero couple... until we weren't.

Sean publicly came out as transgender in May of this year. From here on out, SHE will be referred to as Sarah.

I knew for a long time, but I'll save that as another blog post- I don't want to make this ten miles long. Trust me, there's a LOT to talk about! The boys had known for a while too, but not as long as I did. The final steps were telling friends, family and finally, our schools. Thankfully, we have been met with nothing but encouragement, support and love from nearly everyone who has been part of our journey thusfar.

When we first started navigating this world or at least looking into what in the world we may be headed into, "researching" stories, blogs, articles, just about ANYTHING reassuring for a marriage to survive, or what it's like to come out as a teacher, parent, married couple, anything... there was very little that resulted in a positive outcome. I'm hoping this can be a place for others who may be starting their journey can find a positive place to find information or at least, relate to anything we're going through.

We'll both be doing updates... I imagine it will be mostly me, but we'll always start by saying who is doing the post so you know who's story/perspective it's from.

Thank you for reading!

New Year Resolutions

So clearly, it's been a long time since I've been here. Here we go. It's January 1st, 2015. This means that here I am, getting ready to make some more New Year Resolutions that will last for the whole month of January and then disappear again until I make them AGAIN next year. It goes around and around like that, every year. So here I am. Let's start blogging again. I don't intend for anyone to read this, necessarily, it's just nice to have some written record for one day... Like a journal... only out there for everyone to see.

We had a pretty low-key New Years. It was nice! Steve and Karen came down and spent the evening here. We told the boys that they could stay up until midnight, knowing that they'd never even come close. We played games, watched some TV, went outside at 8:30 pm to light some sparklers and throw some poppers- all in the freezing (Arizona) cold. It was pretty nippy out there! Right around 35 degrees. Brrr!!

Toby actually made it to 10:30 pm and Morgan to 11:10 or so. I only made it until about 10:30. I was dozing on the couch off an on. Thank goodness Morgan fell asleep- staying up until midnight is no longer for me!!

Today was fun and chill as well. Breakfast at US Egg, shopping at Joann Fabrics, and just hanging out around the house. Both boys are beyond tired, so I'm foreseeing an early bedtime for all, around here tonight!!

I hope 2015 brings about some amazing things for everyone. While my mom's fresh cancer diagnosis was a definite blow, everything is sounding "good" and in place for her. While 2015 will definitely be a trying year on that end, I hope it ends well and can still be considered a "good" year when all is said and done.

A New Chapter Begins...

A new chapter begins today. We moved Sean out of McClintock. He got his letter yesterday, saying he was released from his contract. It was brought to the D.O. of TD3 one day shy of being given the dreaded 1-year contract *whew*! He is officially a Middle School teacher! Scary! We went over to Connolly today so Sean could meet the math coach and get a tour of the school and some new teaching materials to look at. I tagged along so I could see my room.

I think the school will be fairly easy to navigate after I get used to it. It's a completely indoor campus- something I am not at ALL used to. The campus seems pretty small for the probable 1200 kids that will be there. It sounds like it's going to be a year where EVERYONE is just holding on for dear life and surviving. This is a huge building year for the district as a whole.

I'm pretty nervous about my schedule. I'm teaching SIX classes for the first time (I'm used to THREE!). Somewhere in there, I'll need to fit, testing and IEP prep. It's going to be ugly, but I got the feeling that the "people who matter" agree that sped teachers need to have someone to put down some regulations and they too feel like we're getting the shaft. It's going to be interesting this year with a new special education director. I'm excited that he's been a middle school principal and sees what it's like to be a middle school special ed teacher. Things can only go up from where they left off.

Moving Sean out of his classroom was HOT HOT HOT!! But, it's done. We went to YCs for lunch. I always forget how much I LOVE that place! To my surprise, I ran into a teaching friend who has worked there since high school. She filled me in on her search for a job- she'll be a first year teacher this year. Sounds like she's going to be in for a ride of her own teaching at an EXTREMELY low income high school (English). She'll be great though! I told her she can write the next "Freedom Writers". Haha. AND, she gave us a card for two free entrees. SWEET!!!

Didn't do much this afternoon besides RELAX which was MUCH needed! Sean played XBox, I laid on the couch. Great afternoon! Ran errands this evening and went to Cold Stone. Got home from that, and Skyped with the boys up in CWood. I can't wait to see them tomorrow!!!

Happy 4th of July, everyone! I'm looking forward to pool party day!!!

*~*Jenni*~*

Whew! We Made it!

We made it home. After everything we saw today, I can barely believe it!

World of Color last night was soooo amazing. I love that show SO much! DCA still hasn't quite figured out a good way to get people into the show since so many get there so early to "stake claim" in "line" and I use the term "line" loosely seeing as it was just a scary, swarm of people. Anyways, we made it in and got AWESOME seats. It's amazing how much easier it is to wait for things when you aren't trying to entertain two toddlers. We soon realized we were stationed right at one of the fountains in the audience! Awesome!! :) What I love about World of Color is that they change it up and every time we've seen the show it's been a TOUCH different- the "best" parts are always still there, but they change up the smaller scenes and characters, which is pretty sweet. At this performance, we got to see a ton of Pirates stuff, which was so cool! I told Sean though, we have to stop seeing it on the last night of our trip because it makes me SOOO depressed to have to leave in the morning :(

We got up early and went to Magic Mornings at Disneyland. We got on Star Tours one last time- saw another one of the 54 combinations of scenes. Sean keeps shaking his head at me when I refer to parts of the ride as, "the snowy place" and "Space Japan"... BUT, I know NOTHING about Star Wars, so, it will do! Ha! After, we did AstroBlasters since there was no one in line. We realized how much we missed the boys getting on that ride. I always sit with Morgan and Sean always sits with Toby. We realized we'd never been on the ride and sat TOGETHER before. After those two rides, we went to Carnation for breakfast and watched the crazy crowd gather in Main Street for park opening. After breakfast, we went to get our PhotoPass CD (YAY!!). When we got there, we got to see all of our amazing pictures that got taken throughout the Parks and then, we bought our package- When we got home I played with them a bit (adding borders and stuff) and ordered our CD! I hope they get here soon!!

The drive home was scary!! I guess there were a bunch of accidents on the freeway- none of which I knew about, but all of which, I came across AFTER the wreck was gone (except for the overturned watermelon truck). All was going smoothly until about 30 minutes out of Buckeye when Sean fell asleep. Not more than 30 minutes after he was out, the semi in the lane next to me (and about 4-5 car lengths ahead), blew a tire. It sent smoke (or something!) billowing, and the next thing I know (as I try to steer through), a HUGE shred of the tire blasts my windshield! I screamed SO loud. The tire hit the windshield and flew over the top of the car. I didn't see it hit another vehicle, and from what it looked like, the truck didn't even seem to slow down! I watched it in my rearview (while making sure I didn't pee my pants-lol) for about a mile or two, before I lost sight of it. Sean slept through the giant thud of the blow, the tire hitting the windshield AND my scream! I couldn't believe it. And THEN?! Another semi blew a tire (but MUCH further ahead of me) about 5 miles later!

Sean eventually woke up, but by then we were only about 10 miles from home. Ha!

Anyways, we're home... just went for sushi since it's hard to eat it with the kids. Sean is doing a final walk-through with our renter. We're sad to see him go, he's been great. We have a great couple moving in tomorrow (while our cleaning guy cleans) so I'm looking forward to the following year!

I'm catching up with the DV-R while Sean's gone. I can have SYTYCD on as loud as I want since the boys aren't here and sleeping. Woohooo!!

*~*Jenni*~*

Disney Day 3

What did we do before PhotoPass? I've always said, I love how the Disney photographers don't bombard you like they do at the Phoenix Zoo, and then make you feel terrible for saying "no thank you". Sean and I decided that instead of bringing a camera along, we would just do the PhotoPass route this trip. Wow, am I ever glad we did! We just give our card to any of the photographers (stationed at high-photo areas around each park) and they take AWESOME pictures for you. If you get a good photographer, they will take like five or six, in different positions and stuff, telling you exactly how to pose. It's been awesome. There are even some "Magic Shots" where you put your hands in certain places, or make certain faces/poses and when the photos are made, there will be different Disney characters/scenes in your pictures. Then, at the end of the trip, after you've taken as many pictures as you want, you can buy specific prints, or, for about $50, you can buy a CD with ALL of the pictures so you can do what you want with them! We got a little preview of our pictures today and they are soooooooo friggin' awesome!! I think it's going to be our new "thing" we do when we come- we don't have to lug a camera along, and everyone can be in ALL the pictures and we know they will come out AWESOME! I'm super excited to have my hands on those, soon!

Sean is feeling a lot better today- I got up early to go downstairs and get World of Color Fast Passes for tonight. Since we're at our resort, we get them earlier than everyone else, and a little more of a "priority seating" area. The line was super long, and I was hoping and praying, Sean would be up for it. He wasn't too awake (or, I didn't think so anyway) when I left. I just hoped for the best. I went over and also got Soarin' FPs while I was down there- I guess this summer they open up Soarin' and the new, Little Mermaid ride to DGC (Grand Californian) residents from 9:15 to 9:30. I grabbed a couple fast passes, and then went back up to check on Sean.

He was dressed and ready to go!! Phew!! He said he felt pretty good. We went to Soarin', ate a small breakfast and waited in line for Midway Mania (one of my favorites). We decided to take the day easy- I'd rather go on the slower, less thrilly rides anyway... We shopped and walked and vowed not to eat anymore Disney chowder or Mexican food. LOL. We took a few more pictures, and headed to Disneyland. Took it slow- rode Pirates, Star Tours (AMAZING!!!!!), Jungle Cruise and then took the train to the monorail station and the monorail to the Downtown Disney exit, which, by the way, is a lot closer to the resort than Sean always said. I think I'll be taking THAT to the Park from now on... there is a little ticket booth and everything. WAY closer than how we've been getting in! *sticks out tongue*

Anyways, we went to Build A Bear in DTD- they have some adorable Disney stuff for the boys. When we come back in October with them, maybe we'll take them to get their bears/dogs a Mickey shirt with matching light-up ears :)

We're up in the room- Sean is taking a nap and here I sit. We're going to go grab a pizza downstairs at Naples (I cancelled our reservations at Napa Rose this morning because I didn't know what the day would have in store for us *ahem, I mean, Sean* and I wasn't super excited about the menu. If it was going to be a $150 dinner, I want to be excited for the menu!! So, pizza it is... Grab some ice cream on our way to World of Color- where we hope to get early, so we can stake out an awesome spot :)

*~*Jenni*~*